As the summer months wane and the chilly weather of fall begins, consider doing some upkeep on your home in order to save on energy costs. Here are some simple ways to ensure that your house and wallet are properly insulated:

• Clean or replace your furnace filters once a month. Dirty filters can block warm air from the furnace and make it operate less efficiently, costing you money.

• Lower your thermostat 5 to 7 degrees at night. Your energy savings will increase as much as 3-5 percent for every degree the thermostat is below 68.

• Keep your shades and curtains open during the day to let in sunlight and warmth.  Close them at night to retain heat.

• Weatherize your home by caulking and weather-stripping all exterior
doors and windows.

Hope this helps you all during the upcoming holiday season.

Till next time,
PPP

 

4 Comments

A hot topic among my friends both guys and girls is dating.  Since my breakup with the ex up through let’s say the last month, I’ve been very good at avoiding the whole dating thing.  Not just the physical part but the emotional connection that goes along with things and normally complicates life (at least for me).  Now, I know what you’re thinking…for the past how many months I have done nothing but tell the entire tblog community of my life and the events that take place in it and you are right but realize that you really don’t know me.  You can’t see me which makes telling you and taking advice from you much easier.  I have a wall to hide behind a “firewall” so to say.

I guess now would be a good time to tell you what I’ve been up to for the past 2 months or so.  A friend of mine stumbled across this networking website called Woome.com.  This is a site that allows you to meet and chat with people throughout the world.  When we started we had some rules set up for protection purposes only.  First was, no locals, meaning no one from our state.   Second we were only going to engage in fun conversation/banter and nothing more.  Not allowing conversations to get personal. 

I was doing great, met a bunch awesome people from the US to Spain, Turkey, Sweden etc. had some awesome conversations, learned a lot about culture, religion, music and customs throughout other parts of the world.  I mean I learned more by talking to these people than I have in any classroom.  Of course you meet a bunch of rude people along the way and all they want you to do is your clothes off on cam but with one simple click of a button and their asses are blocked… gone, no more bother to you.  Which is much easier than getting rid of let’s say an ex boyfriend/girlfriend (that’s a whole other story).

Well being the little rebel that I am, broke the rule and found a person that lived in the same state as me.  Honestly, I wasn’t looking for him.  I was reading and checking profiles and I was intrigued so I sent off a friend request.  Never in a million did I expect to have a conversation with him.  Well we started chatting, one day led to two, then three and before you knew about maybe three weeks went by and we were chatting all the time.  I mean we were on skype.com so we could see each other which makes getting to know a person far away much easier.   Anyway, this is guy is great, comes from a good family, has strong values, see things for what they are and understands about working hard, he's real and I like real people.  Most of all he and I got along great.  We spent quiet some time asking questions first basics then more in depth questions.  Some of which I didn’t want to really answer until we met.  Only because if you read it or hear without talking sometimes it comes to be worse than it is.

So a weekend came around where he was coming through town on his way back home to where he grew up.  So me being the straight forward person I am, invited him to over to hangout.  I mean understand I felt like I’ve known him a long time.  To me it was the quality of the conversation not the quantity even though the quantity was up there in numbers.  So we went out to dinner and had some drinks at a local bar.  You have to understand that there nothing else to do that weekend because it was home coming for the our college football team and well you know, when it’s home coming, pretty much everything revolves around the team including partying and drinking, especially in a college town.  Anyway, we hung out and I thought we had a pretty good time, definitely got along.  Oh and did I mention he brought his dog whom I adore, she is so cute. 

Anyway he stayed in town that night left in the morning to head to his hometown.  Nothing happened I’m not that kind of girl.  When I got back I realized that he had left something behind and I notified him via text that he forgot something.  So he said he’d pick up on his way back.  I’m like okay, so that Sunday he got here I made a late lunch early dinner.  He was really tired and stayed in town again (again nothing happened) the next morning he left and headed home.

Now I’m a person of pattern and habits, so when things change I tend to make note of it right away.  Most of all I tend to analyze things, which is quite odd because I’m not really a person that likes to be analyzed.  I noticed since that weekend things haven’t been quite the same.  The texting started to slow down dramatically, and the skyping...well once a week would be a lot at this point, no more emails, or thoughtful calls at work and well phone calls…you get the picture.  The twitterpation is gone I guess.

Too bad too because I did really enjoy speaking with him, he’s smart, funny and you can tell has a great heart.  Well those are the important thing.  I didn’t know I’d like him until we met.  I mean really, I felt like I knew him a long time.  It’s not like me to let anyone into my home.  Especially since at that time it was still not put together yet, boxes were still unpacked and the furniture wasn’t assembled yet.  However, I felt that I knew him a long time and well, it didn’t matter. 

So how did I handle this little dilemma?  I sent an email expressing my concerns.   He’s a big football fan, season ticket holder, tailgater, etc. I understand how much football means to him.  Although he doesn’t know it it’s one of the things a liked about him.  Anyway, the bottom line is he’s on a tight schedule so time is limited.  After I received his response, I pretty much decided that I am going to go with the flow on things.  So how does a lady go with flow?

The following week I had another date, but this time it wasn’t with a person I met online.  It was with a person that I had met through work on several occasions.  We have some mutual friends in common so I figured why not.  Anyway, I had fun, he was nice and ladies chivalry is not dead just lost in most of this generations.  We hung out the next three nights after work, one of which was a function for work that we both had to attend.  Really, I enjoyed his company and his effort.  However, right before we were about to leave, the topic of age came up.  Let’s say I was SHOCKED when I found out his real age amongst a group of people.  I was so embarrassed.  He’s my nephew’s age I am eight years older than my nephew! Plus, he had lied to me about it and only because he knew I would never go out with him if I knew the truth.   Those of you, who know me, know that totally grosses me out.  My nephew is like my little brother and well, just wouldn’t have entertained the idea had I known. 

So what did I do?  Well, I turned around (here I am in heals, black mini dress trying to remain graceful at the same time) but at the same time was stomping mad and started to walk away.  Of course he came after me and all I could do was wonder what other lies has he told?  He swears there was nothing else and he knows it was wrong but he wanted to show me that age really isn’t an issue and that he wanted a fair chance.  He also said that he planned on telling me by Thanksgiving if I hadn’t figured it out yet.  What makes him think we were going to be seeing each other that long.  He just wanted more time for me to get to know the real him. 

Right there, I realized I had a choice to make.  I can either cut him off completely or I can really take heed to what he said and continue getting to know him.  I mean honestly for his age, he’s very impressive, has his life together and well seems beyond his years in many ways.  Plus, he really wanted to take the time to get to know me.  I had to give him credit where credit is due, he’s trying and well I guess he knows a good thing when he see it  So I told him the same thing that was said to me…we’ll just go with the flow and see what happens. 

I just don’t understand what makes people tick.  I mean I spent more time and quality conversations with guy number one and well he’s doing his own thing.  I think it’s safe to say that he is clearly no longer interested.  Which, kind of sucks I guess because the bottom line is I really enjoyed talking and having him around.  I miss him in some ways; he definitely had that ability to be the shiny spot in my day.  Also, I took the time to let him into a world that existed a long time ago.  I never tell anyone about it, I mean I haven’t even written about it and I probably never will.  My friends have speculated on what is going on with him and I’m hoping that their speculations are not true and that it’s just a busy time of year. However, time will tell and so will actions because they speak louder than words.

Now here is guy number two who just can’t seem to get enough of me.  He is trying but there is something telling me not to bother.  Maybe it’s the fact that he’s lied and I hate lying.  Who knows, I do know one thing is that the frequency of us hanging out has to be cut down a little.  I like him, but not that much to spend all my time texting, chatting etc…Oh wait a light just went off…Maybe the way I feel about guy number two is the way guy number one feels about me.  Wow…  Talk about lessons learned.  Well since I don’t want to make this person feel the way I do.  I am going to do as the word says and treat him the way I want to be treated.  I am going to call him and see him for dinner to discuss what is going on and how things have been handled by him and me.  Is this as good as it gets?

Till next time,

PPP

Stop searching... its right in front of you! Act quickly, changes can happen in moments. Grab on if you want it and walk away if you’re not sure. 

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Lately, I’ve been asked by many people (mostly through email) what my views are now that I am over the events of earlier this year.    Why my opinion matters?  I do not know but I will answer these reoccurring questions to the best of my ability.  So here we go.

Do I have any ill will towards my ex regarding all the drama and hurtful things that was encountered during our relationship? 

No, definitely not. As I get older I learn not to hold grudges.  Allow yourself to feel the emotions but don’t hold onto them.  They will be the demise of you if you do.  No matter what, you will get hurt by someone or something, that is part of life and when you allow people in your life that is chance you are taking.  It’s what you take out of it that matters’, holding grudges and not forgiving others is emotionally draining.  I personally have no time for that in my life.  Plus the Bible says that we have to forgive (see Matthew 18:21-22) and I rather forget what is behind and look toward what is ahead.  I truly believe that the ex and I were always meant to say good bye.  I was in his life and he in mine for a reason during a particular season.  He was definitely not a Lifetime person in my life.

Knowing what I know now, would I have done it differently? 

My initial response to this, HELL YEAH.  I would run, like Forrest Gump but the reality is I wouldn’t be where I am today if I didn’t’ travel down that road.  He was good to me in many ways and I don’t look back with disgust or regret.  If I did, I wouldn’t have a better understanding of what I am looking for in a partner.  Most of all I have the experience to write about it for people to read and learn from.  I have learned a lot in many ways good and bad all will be taken with me and discernment will be applied where needed moving forward in my life.  I do not plan on letting history or unacceptable behavior repeat it’s itself.

What am I looking for in a partner? 

I can’t tell you how many people ask me this question.  In fact I could probably buy a Coach wallet if they each gave me a dollar.  LOL…I’m not that materialistic (although what girl doesn’t like a good Coach product?).  For the first time in my life I think I’ve been single long enough to ponder this thought and have a better understanding of what I am looking for.  I have always had this way of replacing boyfriends very easily.  This time around my mother had asked me to stay single for at least six months and really find myself and what I am looking.  That was the best advice my mother has ever given me as an adult (I hope one day I can have such an impact on my child). 

It’s now been nine months of being single and here is what I feel I am looking for in a partner.  Well, first, he as to be a Christian, God has done some pretty amazing things in my life and I want to continue in his blessings and that person would need to be a part of it so that we both can be blessed.  This isn’t about being religious but about having a heart for God.  Second, I personally have to be physically attracted to that person (it’s not the most important nor is it a dominating or deciding factor but something has to be there in that aspect).  Third has to be honest, the one thing that has always been an issue is finding someone that can tell me the truth all the time.  I’m not sure what it is about most men.  My experience has taught me that most lie or tell half truths for things that would have been easier to deal with if they had been straight out and honest from the door.  Then there are the other things like being a caring, compassion and sensitive (masculine but sensitive at the same time).   Next I want a man that doesn’t slack off because he thinks he has me.  If you start out being sweet and thoughtful, he should stay that way.  I want someone that will cherish me, the relationship and make it an important part of his life.  We need to be each other’s priority.  Someone once told me that you should treat your partner like you have something to lose.  In other words don’t mess it up with being inconsiderate.  The way I see if I am a priority in his life then he will have the reciprocation from me automatically.   I’m not one of those girls that will ask for time, I want someone that will say “hey, I miss you and I want to see you” (or something along those lines). 

There is a lot to be said for a man that shows his lady how important they are.  It’s not quantity gentlemen it’s quality.  Another important factor to me is that we must share the same values and morals otherwise a future in marriage will not happen.  I don’t want to spend my marriage arguing with someone who doesn’t have the same values and morals as I do (no wonder there are so many confused kids out there.  Most see their parents go against each other than work with each other).  Someone that is goal oriented and is constantly setting the bar higher and higher both in his career and relationships.  Someone that has strong family values as I am very close to my family even though we are separated by distance.   He must be able to stand up for what is right (yes, even if it's against me or others close to him) nothing is more attractive than a man with heart for what he believes in, passion guys that what it’s about.  Passion in all you do from work, family to that special someone.  He needs to be somewhat romantic; yes I like candles and walks on the beach etc.  It keeps the relationship going.  Now, I know it’s a tall list but I don’t think what I’m asking for is too much.  One thing about me is that when I know my partner is giving me his best, he gets my best in return.  A man that has the potential to be head of his household as prescribed in the bible.   I have witnessed successful marriages and happy children of families that live in the Devine order and I want that in my partner, I want that for my children (if I ever have any).  I want someone that I can talk to; because as you get older that is all you have left.  Last but certainly not least one thing that comes to mind is a verse from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, if we remember this love will never fail.  I challenge you to give it a read and tell me what you think about it.

Am I ready for a relationship? 

Well, I would have to say yes but only if the right person came along.  The one thing I know is I don’t want games.  I think that person will come along and reveal himself to me.  This time around I’m not going to be the person to put myself out there to the extent of setting myself up for hurt.  I’m not going to chase someone and I’m not going to train them either.  I guess I’m still a little scathed and as a result I will hold myself back until I’m sure that whomever that person is shows me that he’s serious.  I’m big on respect, of me and my time, family and values.  I will know when that person comes along because he will want to spend time with me and not be asked to do it.  So until Mr. Right heads this way, I am quite content in being single. 

Am I afraid of being alone? 

Sometimes but then I go for a night out on the town with my BFFL and I realize that the world is my oyster and I have a lot to chose from.  No, I’m kidding…LOL.  I had to throw my humor in somewhere, these questions are all very good and forcing me to think about me, more than I really want too.  So please excuse the sudden breakout to relieve the tension.  I mean there are a lot options, being a woman you just have them.  However, most of these options are not what I am interested in.  I have been through so much in my life that I’m not going to settle at any cost.  So if because of my unwillingness to settle means I may be alone longer or even forever, I’m okay with that.  I only believe in divorce under extenuating circumstances.  Therefore, until I find exactly what I’m looking for I will not settle.  This I can honestly say is why I am not married now. 

Well there are more questions but I’ve had enough for today.  Thank you all for reading my blog and for your concern.  I know there are more questions and I will answer them in future.  However, I would like to take the focus off of me and my past for a little bit.  I have other topics that I would like to post about and will do so in the near future.  Take care and keep it real. 

God Bless,

PPP

4 Comments

If many of you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a problem solver (as long as math is not involved).  If people need advice, something done or they just want to vent they call me.  Nine out of ten times I'm really good at helping people, probably better at helping others than I am at helping myself (which is a whole other topic).  Also a part of me enjoys conflict resolution.  That is, as long as I'm not the one directly involved. 

I use to be a Guardian Ad Litem (volunteer program) and I really enjoyed doing that.  I was good at working with the children and I was even better in court fighting for their best interest.  On a daily basis I was able to see the difference I've made not only in their lives but the lives of their parents and other family members.  I made the time to spend with them on a weekly basis and those that needed more attention saw me several times a week.  However, due to a conflict of interest and circumstances beyond my control I was releaved of my duties completely.  I am still licensed to practice as long as it's not in this county.  Infact, I was pulled off a case in the middle of it going for review before the court.  This experience was very hard on me and the child involved.  Prior to that I really enjoyed helping these kids, having no children of my own, I enjoyed being a part their lives and spending time with them. 

You can only imagine how discouraging it was for me to want to volunteer for any program here again.  However, I started to realize that most of my cases had one common factor, most of the kids I delt with had a parent or both parents in jail or did time.  As an ex Corrections Officer I've had the oppoturnity to spend a lot time with inmates on a daily basis.  One thing I've learned is that a lot of them were smart in many ways and if given the right skills could be productive members of society.   Well late last year, I decided to begin implementing a program here in the county that would give them a second chance.

Prior to the events of my life earlier this year, I was working on a project that would allow me to go into the jails of local and surrounding counties and teach inmates who are ready to be released some skills that could be used to find employment.  I'm not talking about a crash course either.  I'm talking about real classes related to computer training and proper businesss practices and ethics.  These classes would last the duration of a semester in college.  I networked and gained partnerships throught the community with various temp. agencies willing to give these ex convicts another chance at life and an honest income with the monitoring of an Intensense Supervision Officer (volunteers).  I also worked closely with the warden to figure out the logistics of gaining laptops for inmates to utilize while insuring limited access to the internet and ways to ensure not only the safety of other inmate s and myself as well (you just never know).   

In between all that I had going on at the time, I created lesson plans and was ready to go.  However, we all know what took place in my life earlier this year and I dropped the ball.  Last night I had a dream (no MLK jokes please) and this dream reminded me that I started something and didn't finish it.  Which is one thing I don't like to do, I like finish what I start.  I know this is an idea and I've spoken to a lot people about it lately.  Mostly because since I dropped the ball, people started coming out the woodworks telling me that they are glad I dropped it because I probably wouldn't have made difference anyway.  Should I believe these negative outlooks?  Are they so tainted and hurt at the ways things are that they have hardened themselves to the point of turning the other cheek.  Most of all do they reaize it's their tax money being used to house them?  What if they are right?  Should I go in faith and trust in God that this program will truly take off and make a difference?  I feel that dream was God's way of telling me, more so because I rarely remember my dreams.  However, I just don't want to put all this effort in for it to fail.  It's a lot of time and I'm not quite sure if I should pick up the ball again or leave it out of bounds. 

What do you think?

Till next time,

PPP

1 Comments

Over the past few days I have taken the time to review my posts dating back to the start of this blog. First, let me say thank you for those of you who have put with me during those "special" points in my life. Most of all thank you for the support and the advice. I want each of you to know that even though I haven't been around I have truly thought about you and the tremedous amount of support you gave me. For those of you who know me, know that means more to me than anything I could ever buy. With that said...

Things are going much better for me now. I have gone through all the stages needed and really, my life without the ex. is sooooooo much better. God has blesed with me with so much including friends, family and well... I'll let you know about the other soon enough. If you could see the smile on face as I type this you would know that I am saying this completely with a healed heart and solid frame of mind. For the first time in my life I am stress free and as my girl Mary J. would say "No More Drama".  I'm back in touch with old friends, made some new one along the way, I have time for the gym, studies and pretty much anything else I want.  Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to be single forever but the next time I settle down, it will be with someone of a different calibur.  Someone that compliments me and is my other half.  Someone I can depend on, trust, talk to and most of all someone that will be there all the time not just out of convenience.  I've learned a lot my friends and next time will be different.

As far as the eating...Well, it's not as bad as it was before. I'm back to eating about 1 meal a day three times a week. Which honestly, I am so thankful for. If you remember I couldn't eat anything, so I'll take what I can at this point. I want you all to know that I have faith that it will go just like it came. I've done a lot research on this and spoken with many doctors who have found that others have suffered from it and well for some it goes away and for others it doesn't. So we will have to wait & see, in the meantime, I'm going to keep  taking it prayer. I will keep you posted, so no worries. Well now that I'm done with the update, I'm going to go. So take care and thanks again for everything.

I'll leave with this it got me through a lot: 

Philippians 4:13
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Till next time,

PPP

2 Comments

Well, I'm posting to say hello again. I know I have fallen off the radar for a while. However, you will all be glad to know that things have been going quite well for me. I guess my time away from here can be considered somewhat a sabitcal. I realized that I needed to take a break and clear my head. Well, I'm back with new topics to post, just not sure where I will start. All I can say is that thank you for your patients and emails. As soon as I get my thoughts together I will updating on what I've been and how things are going. Until then my friends! ~PPP~

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When I say I love you I do But this with you will not do I need someone I can lean on Someone I can count on too Yes you are there sometimes For that I am grateful to you But I need someone there full time And that you can not do You told me once you loved me That I could believe in you I was there when you needed someone Where were you when I needed someone, too? The time has come for me to let go Never to expect you to care again People may come and people may go But I love like mine you will may never again no.

7 Comments

The ball is in your court until someone steals it from you.  Make the shot or lose the game.

Those of you who talk to me know where this is coming from.  My fellow Tbloggers I will update you later.

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I have so much to say and I don't know where to start.  Okay, well, as stated in my earlier posting I've been on Facebook (FB) a lot and getting in touch with many dear and old friends.  Well, an ex boyfriend contacted me.  This was my first love and I mean love.  When we were younger he broke my heart but in the end I ended up getting over him.  However, deep down inside he always knew he would have a very special place in my heart forever.

Anyway, he sent me a friend request on FB.  As soon as I accepted it we started chatting on IM.  We had a really great conversation.  He had apologized for so many things, I mean apologized in detail naming things I didn't even remember.  He had told me that there was no excuse as to why he treated me the way he did.  In all honesty, I told him that he never treated really bad that he really only did one thing wrong and that was it but it was big thing.  I told him one of the the things I loved about my recent ex was that he was alot like him minus that one issue. 

Well while I was chatting with him on IM, my phone rings.  Guess who's on the other end?  Yep, he got my number from a friend we always had in common.  When I heard his voice I couldn't believe it, his voice was the same as always.  Calming to me, always was.  I mean I've pushed him away so many times after we broke up and here he is still wanting me in his life.  He said he called to tell me how he felt in person.  He said that the biggest mistake he has ever made was letting me go and that he has paid that price for years.  The man was crying, I couldn't believe it.  We are talking over 10 years ago.  I mean to hold all of that inside you for so many years.  He said that he didn't tell earlier because he I've always had a boyfriend.  He was that one day he would get the chance to talk to me without me being distracted by a relationship and now the time has come.  Wow!  Made me realize remember why I feel in love with him to begin with. 

I know he wasn't all in the relationship when we were younger and he wishes he could redo that part of his life.  If he could do that he would show me how all in he could be.  He only hopes that we don't lose touch again because the one thing he missed about me the most was the way I was.  He's never had anyone treat him so well and be so honestly.  Most of all I'm old fashioned in many ways and he has always lvoed that about me.  My family values are very much in alignment with his.  Guess that's why we got along so well in the first place.  The only other person that was a lot like me where it counted was ST. 

I guess my point is this, I don't want him to live with regret and he's going through a lot right now.  I'm good at being there for people that's what I do.  Pick em up when their down.  I know what you are all thinking and no I'm not pursuing anything, my heart still belongs to someone else (at least for right now) and I'm not that kind of woman.  However, talking to him was very comforting to me as well.  It made me realize that if ST really lets me go then it's his loss.  If a man that was with me so long ago is so sorry then someday maybe I'll find my guy who's all in.  Maybe he's already there but we just haven't realized yet.  God's timing right? 

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Have you ever yearned another
yet the lover had no care
has a tear escaped your eye
yet no more would even dare

does your heart melt melt with a glance
as you offer up a prayer
when you look into their heart
does you heart yearn to be there

have you wanted them so badly
that your heart would start to bleed
have you tried to say I love you
yet a voice would not proceed

don't lend your heart to love dear friend
let your tears fall like the rain
a healing heart will break again
and sadness will remain

you'll ponder thoughts of real love
and wonder if there're true
pity takes no place in life
upon a heart so blue

grand is love yet merciless
the price to pay is high
a choice to take of love or death
my heart would rather die

never lend your heart to love
you'll find my words are true
don't doubt me friend for I should know
I fell in love with you

 

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It’s amazing how much soul searching one does when they lose someone that was important to them.  When I went to the beach the other day I took a lot of time to think about various topics.  I reflected on my life and the decisions I’ve made and where those decisions have led me.  I thought about where I came from as far as family and values, then I took a trip down memory lane where I pretty much did whatever I wanted (right or wrong).  Here remembered all the paths I took and where they led.
I would be lying to myself if I said that I was over my ex.  I mean yes, my heart doesn’t ache for him but I do miss him.   Especially this time of the year when we would be outside doing stuff like hiking and going to the beach and stuff.  I am doing those things now but it’s not the same.  I enjoyed being in his company and not even talking it was nice.  He truly was my best friend down here, we both went through a lot and I enjoyed the person he was in many ways.  I understood him in many ways and understood what he was going through.   I have a hard time grasping the fact that it was all thrown away so easily and quite honestly I just don’t understand it.  I mean I was content with him as person that there really isn’t too much I would change or complain about.  I didn’t leave him because of the person he is I left him because I just wanted to live right.  I never thought he would just throw what we had out the window especially since he hasn’t been treated so well in a long time.  I just can’t believe he was brought into my life just to walk out the door.  I’m sorry but life is supposed to make more sense to me than that. 
So as I was at the beach and all of what I just wrote was running through my head two questions came to my mind.  Do people really know what they want in a relationship? & what is my own personal definition of love?
The reason the first question came to mind is because ST and I have talked about relationships and what we wanted out of them.  I mean honestly, we were on the same page.  I mean unless I’m mistaken when you look at how I was in this relationship it makes me wonder how he can just turn from me.  I mean I was there for him, well after his divorce I was there for him.  I took care of things that his ex didn’t even bother with, I mean I honestly gave 110% (most of the time).  No matter what he was always able to depend on me.  We really didn’t have drama unless we were dealing with the ex and his parent’s loyalty to her.  But with time I was hoping that would change and that they would support him and not expect him to put up with being railroaded just to keep the peace.  We were definitely attracted to each other, that is until we both started to feel convicted for living together and we stopped conducting certain sins.  No doubt things started going downhill from there I think.  Cause then it was like were roommates.  Honestly, that was more his choice and I knew he was right so I abided.  However, I’m starting to wonder if there was more to it.  I mean I was told that if a man is so active with his partner he would not be able to do that if they were living together unless something else was going on that he didn’t tell me. 
I mean over all we made sense in many ways.  Maybe not his family or his ex wife but to each other we did and I know he knows it.  I don’t understand how a man could have such a good relationship with a woman, one that was better than what he had with his ex wife and just walk away like it was nothing.   He had everything he wanted and just let it go.  Sad really because I would have helped with anything that life threw at us and that’s hard to find these days.  I would never be part of any cooperative front against him and most of all I was honest, loyal and trust worthy.  It makes me sad when I think about it because those are things that are hard to find.  He was what I wanted in so many ways and any issues were small and could be dealt with like adults.  I think I stayed pretty real the whole way through and consistent.   I didn’t get comfortable with him and then change as time went on, I was real right from the door.   I didn’t decide that all of a sudden I wanted to dress to impress other men and hang out in bars to try to stay young.  I wonder, did he realize after I left that he liked the life he had before?  I can go on and on but I won’t because honestly it’s not like I can please my case to him and it would make a difference.   He will have no problems in finding someone else I’m sure but it’s hard to find someone as real and honest and as giving as me.  I just don’t’ get it!!

So with all of the above being said, I can safely say that I don't believe people know what they want in a relationship.  I think that in ST's case he got what he wanted and didn't know what to do with it.  He never had that support or type of relationship before and rather than take a chance it was easier to let it go.  Too bad too because he lost morethan a girlfriend.  People ask me if I would take him back and at this point, I'm not too sure what I would do.  I mean I like the idea of being back with him but at the same time, I am guarding my heart more than I ever have before and I don't know if he has what it takes to for me to put down that guard again.  It wouldn't be so easy as before and it would take someone really determined to do it.

Hope I'm not boring you guys but this along with your comments helps me to get what's in my head out.  As my ex would say "better out than in".  Well I will answer my question on what my definition of love is later. 

Till next time,

PPP

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So, I went out the other night and as I was hanging out with some friends, a very attractive man approached me.  He was the grandson to one of the owners of a very successful construction company here in G’ville.  The first thing I realized is this is pretty funny because this company takes bids from the companu that my ex currently works for.  So I was very familiar with the company.  I must admit at first I was a bit intrigued but I did make sure that I kept my distance.  Normally, I wouldn’t even talk to a guy right now but for some reason I decided to entertain this conversation.  I mean the ex wanted better for me and I figured what the hell, nothing wrong with some conversation.  It’s kind of funny when you think about it because I never was quite sure as to what “better for me” meant.  So I figured well I was dating the employee (sort of) and now should I choose to pursue this I would be dating the owner and that’s better right? LOL As I write this I’m completely laughing my ass off because I am not impressed with money, because if I was I would never have been with my ex. especially after the debt incurred after his divorce.  So you can imagine how amusing this was for me, kind of poetic justice I guess.    I am not impressed with the fact of who his family is or what kind of car he drives, I’ve always cared about the man himself.  I rather be with someone that has characteristics of what I consider to be a good man and be broke tha a man with no characteristics and lots of money.  I can’t be bought.   

Everything was going great, we talked about a variety of topics then he brought the topic up of relationships.  I really didn’t go into detail that I just got out of a relationship; I mean who the hell wants to hear about that?  Plus I didn’t want him to get this impression that I’m not over my ex nor did I want him to think that I needed a shoulder to cry on.  ost of all I don't need to be saved and most men like to do that, at least most that I've met.  Anyway, he started telling me about his past relationships and what he thinks caused them not work out.  Then this man said the one thing my ex said to me and that was it he was done.  He looked at me and said “I’m an all or nothing type of guy”.  As soon as he said it I’m thinking “are you kidding me?  Is that the best these southern boys got?”  How pathetic!!!  I fell for that line twice before and there won’t be third time”. As soon as he said that I tried to gracefully excuse myself, I would have ran to the bath room to hide but the wonderful town I hangout in has passed a law that allows men to use female bathrooms, so there was no place to hide.  What’s a girl to do when she wants to get away from a guy?  We can’t run to the bathroom and climb out the window anymore (yes I’ve done that).  He asked if he said something wrong and I tried to just explain that I needed to get back to my friends.  However, he made good point that our conversation was going great until he said that.  So he asked me to tell him what was wrong.  I was impressed in a way because it’s been a long time since someone of the opposite sex has cared about what I thought or how I felt.  So he had my attention again.   I told him that I’ve heard that line before and that I promised myself to steer clear of anyone who said it.  So then he asked me to elaborate in more detail and that was a big mistake cause those who know me know if you give me free reign to speak my mind, that’s it.

So I told him “Let me guess, you use to do everything for her.  Even buy her flowers, help with the responsibilities of life willingly, pay for this and that when she her lazy ass didn’t want to work.  I can keep going if you’d like because I’ve heard it all”.  Well he realized that I had his comment and anything supporting it pegged.  He pretty much confirmed that I hit the nail on the head.  So I said to him that doesn’t impress me because I have been condition to realize that if you are talking about it you are probably not over it and that I would mean in the long run I will get hurt.  Then I told him "chances are that you would probably still have an all or nothing attitude but I would get to do all and you would do nothing".  Poor guy didn’t know what to say to that.  I told him I was sorry for being so blunt but I’m a very straight forward person and most men can’t take it.   I told him that he’s already reminded me of my ex and that’s not what I want because it didn’t get me anywhere and well I don’t want to put myself out there like that again.  I offered to pay for my drink but being the southern gentlemen he is, he said no.  I got up went back to my friends and said good night.  On my way out the door he stopped me and said that he hopes to see me again and that over time he will show me that he’s nothing like my ex’s.  I laughed, walked out the door, got into my car and left.

All I have to say is that I’m not setting myself up, I’m guarding my heart and it’s not going to be easy to get me this time around.  I’ve learned my lesson on trusting someone with my heart so no thank Mr. Construction owner or whatever you are, I’m not interested.  I don’t want your baggage; you can check it in somewhere else.  I know what I want in man and that will be my next topic of discussion.

Hope you like this post and comments are welcomed.  I’m on my way out the door to go walking now. 

Until next time,

PPP

2 Comments

Those of you who know me know that I'm addicted to two things, facebook and tblog.  LOL  Anyway, FB has a lot interesting little quizez.  I wanted to share the results of the last one I took.  The quiz was entitled "Where will I find my Mr. Right".  What is funny about the results is that I go walking all the time in the woods.  So the results don't surprise me.  Maybe I'll head out early one saturday morning.  Actually, I haven't had trouble meeting people I just don't want anything serious right now.  LOL Here are my results:

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This time of the year is my favorite times of the year in FL.  The weather isn't too hot or too cold.  It's warm enough to go hiking in the woods or for a swim at the beach.  That's exactly what I did on Saturday; I went to the beach with some friends.

 

First let me tell you, I LOVE THE BEACH.  I mean ultimately there are two places I enjoying being the first is the beach and the second is in the woods.  I would love to live in either place someday (even just to vacation if  I could).  Both are peaceful and have a way of removing me from the reality of what is my life.  On Saturday I went to the beach with some friends and had a blast.  I got a lot time to myself, away from most of my friends, family and most of all G'ville.  It's nice to get out G'ville once in a while.

 

For the first time since everything has happened I had the opportunity to remove myself from the situation and all people to think.  The first thing I thought about of course was my relationship with ST and where it went wrong.  This time in reflection though wasn't bad for me.  It was an eye opener in many ways.  I realized that like most couples we started out great, I mean everything between us was perfect and honestly I could not have wanted anything more.  Then as time went on things started getting complicated and things weren't fair for ST.  So I did what I always would do in any relationship and got involved.  I mean at the time I couldn't help myself, he was hurting in so many ways by so many people that I just wanted to help.  Well what I think happened is I took on all of his offenses from other people.  I took them on so much that I think I lost myself in the middle of all the chaos.  Emotionally it was draining.    I n the end I realized that it took a toll on me and who I am.  I've learned that if I decide to get involved with someone again, I will not get involved with their own personal affairs.  I realized that I wanted to fix things that ST really didn't want fixed and I was wrong for trying.  I will not step into the lion’s cage again, that is my promise to myself.

 

Now that I don't have to deal with constant judgment of his family, his ex wife and whoever else, I realize that I am emotionally in better place.  I need to worry about me and not feel guilty about it.  I don't spend my time trying to stay 10 steps ahead of everyone.  I'm not constantly second guessing my actions worried about what justification I have to give for whatever action I took. 

 

I realized that there was more taking in the relationship on his end than giving.  I realized that I had to constantly tell ST what I needed or wanted he really didn't know how to love me.  I mean I'm not materialistic so I can't be bought.  Sometimes I felt as if he didn't know me at all but because he was a good person I thought that maybe, just maybe one day he would realize the treasure he had and start appreciating me more but as we all know that didn't happen. 

 

While thinking all this through I realized that ST didn't really love me.  I mean there is a list of things that I could go into that would just show that he didn't but I won't because in the end it doesn't really matter.  I can't fight for something that isn't there anymore.  I don't have regret just a lot of disappointment. 

 

I have been doing a lot of fun things here and never realized how much FL has to offer.  I never made it to the alligator farm but I went to Silver Springs and saw a real alligator, close up.  I've wanted to do that for years and it was nice to actually do something for me for once.  I just hope that one day I find that person whom I can share all these fun things with and not feel as if I am inconveniencing them.  I know that person is out there for me and I know that one day he will find me wherever I may roam.  I have a lot offer.  I mean I meet people all the time but I'm not going to jump into anything again.  I think that when that person finds me, God will change my hardened heart and give me the ability to love and respect another man the way I did ST.  Until then, I'm going to do me and those who come with are welcomed. 

I actually am considering spending the night in St. Augustine in two weeks at a hotel I know and like down there.  This will allow me to do more thinking.  It's kid of my way ot cleaning out my closet and getting rid of those skeletons.  :-)

This is only a small fraction of the things I've come to terms with on Saturday and I will update you again later in the week on other realizations but for now I must go. Thanks for reading and comments are welcomed.

 

Good nite,

 

PPP

 

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So I was listening to the radio on Saturday when I was at the beach (which I'm going to be at almost every weekend unless something better comes up).  I heard this song and for the first time in a long time I found a song that I really could connect with.  The words are posted below along with a link to youtube for those of you who haven't heard it.  I just wanted to share it, I'm also going to post it my blog page. 

I'll be updating my blog sometime this week.  The weather has been nice here and I've been just spending as much time outside as possible before the unbearable hot weather of FL kicks in.  You see the pics of my weekend on FB for those of you who use it.  You'll only see the beach pictures right now.  I still have to load those from Silver Springs which were taken yesterday.


Soulmate lyrics
Natasha Bedingfield
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEzbkGj7EaQ" title="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEzbkGj7EaQ" target="_blank"http://www.youtube.com/watch?...


Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

2 Comments

First, I'd like to let my fellow tBlogers know that this posting is not towards them.  However, since mostly everyone I know reads this page (except maybe for my ex) to get an up date about me, I figured it would be a way for me to comment on the comments I have received lately.

I know all you love me very much and I know that you are all concerned as to how I am doing.  I know many of you have seen recent pictures of me and believe that I am losing weight too fast because I am no longer with ST.  Might I remind you that I am the same person who has lost a fiance and ST was not even that so I think I'll be okay.  It's hard to be upset about losing something you never really had to begin with, so please stop all of the assumptions because your making me mad and i don't want to be mad anymore. 

Now, I'd like to set the record straight.  This weight loss is because I am sick.  You try living off of liquids for 2.5 months and tell me how much weight you lose.  Plus I am on the treadmill for 2.5 miles 3-4 times a week and at the gym doing weight training.  This is an effort to keep the muscle i have right now. 

I am not this upset, distraught person who cannot survive without ST.  I survived without him before and I am prepared to do it in the future if that is God's will.  I really would appreciate everyone not thinking that I am this mess because of this breakup.  I loved ST yes and I miss him in many ways and in other ways I don't miss him at all.  My condtion has nothing to do with him.  So please cease all of the ill will towards him, this is not how I want to live my life and this is not what I need right now.  I would like to remind you that I made the decision to leave and it took a lot for me to do that but in the end I did the right thing.

I'm scheduled for a procedure tomorrow and I am praying that they find what is wrong with me.  I would love nothing more than to sit down at the Indian Restaurant and have a meal but that is in God's hands.  So in the meantime please understand that this has nothing to do with him and everything to do with the enemy.

Love you all very much,

PooPotPie

4 Comments