Win, Lose or Draw?
05.08.08 (9:39 am) [edit]
Okay as I stated yesterday in a comment on Squirrelzones post, I am really not the type of person to care what people think about me or the decisions that I make. I mean if I am hurting someone by all means you have every right to tell me but if I am not doing anything personally to you then why can't people just leave me alone and mind their business?
Here's the skinny on this situation. You have to understand that my actions (which I will tell you about in a minute) are a reaction from being sick and tired of particular people trash talking me. As you all know in my previous posts, I am dealing with my boyfriend’s crazy ex-wife. Mind you this woman has done alot and tore her family apart for this reason (see previous post). She thought the grass was greener on the otherside and has been in for a rude awakening ever since. You see the whole time Sean and I have been together she has done nothing but talk trash about me. Now, I'm the type of person that confronts an issue. If you say something about me, my family or my friends I will say something about it. If I have a problem that needs to be addreessed I take care of it. Well, due to the fact that she won't talk to me because I called her out on what she says, I decided to send her an email and set her straight on a lot things, including many items I've written about in my postings plus a whole lot more.
Well she decided to call Sean’s mom and go off on her about me and my sending that email. Sean’s mom got mad and called me pretty much telling me that I had no right to defend myself and I should have let it go. Then his mom start to scream about how she doesn’t like me because I am too straight forward and she finds that disrespectful. Well I let her say what she wanted without yelling at her. Actually out of respect that she is Sean’s mother I put her on speaker phone and walked away while she was yelling. When I heard her stop I asked her if she would let me talk and she started again so I walked away to get her son but she hung up by the time he got to the phone. She never once thought that I’ve been letting it go for the most part for almost two years and I had a right to defend myself. I plan on marrying this man someday and I wanted Tara (the ex-wife) to know that I’m not going to be pushed around, especially by a trashy person like her that really only got to where she is by…well you can use your imagination.
Well Sean’s mom then decided to send me an email since I didn’t listen to her on the phone and she said a lot things in it about me, which most of it is true but I am the way I am for a reason and that is I won’t let people walk all over me and no one will be able to walk all over Sean and maniupulate his kind heart. Now, here’s where the chaos starts. For some reason his mother and sister (yes now the sister is involved) called my parents. Mind you Sean’s sister only met me once so she had no business at all getting involved. His mother starts the conversation with my parent by saying “this isn’t about race”. Well, if it’s not about race why mention it? I mean did she think? For God’s sake I am 32 years old, I pay my own bills and I live about 2,000 miles from my parents? Did she expect them to call me and damand that I move (which is what his mother wants)? Did she expect my parents to tell me not to defend myself? Well thank God I have the parents I have and they challenged her acusations (where did she think I got it from?). Anyway, my mother is not the healthiest and I was pretty mad that she dragged my parents into this; however I still didn’t call her and tell her off because she is Sean’s mother. My mother asked that I just stay away from her. I asked my parents that if she calls again to to tell that they will be contacting their lawyer and sue her for harrassment. If his mother had ever taken the time to get to know me, she would have known that my family and I are very close and protective and the last thing she would ever be able to do was start trouble with me and my family. Unlike her, my parents are supportive in their children’s decisions. I left it alone and never did anything about it again out of respect for Sean.
Well after that I find out that Sean’s sister sent me an email and emailed it to his ex-wife acopy. It said that I wasn’t family and I needed to stay out of everything that is going on. What they don’t realize is everything that is going on is in our home not theirs and they should be the ones minding their business. That same day his mother sent him an email stating that he shouldn’t be with me because I am not white, he wouldn never be able to take me home to meet her mother and (get this) I would be a stone around his neck. I have an education, I work full time for the Federal Government (contract) and I attend a private university full-time. I’m the stone around his neck? Also, this hipocrit is married to a black man; talk about the pot calling the kettle black (no pun intended). So I am wondering at this point, is it still not about race?
I’m sure by now you wondering what Sean is doing. Well, Sean is now very mad. He feels that his family is taking his ex’s side so what does Sean do? He sends an email to both his mother and his sister and tells them to pretty much back off of me. That I had every right to defend myself and that they are not givng me credit for keeping my mouth shut as long as I did when it came to Tara (the ex) and her little pathetic antics of trying to get me out of the picture so she could get him back. He told them that Tara is NOT family and that she is nothing more than a co-parent and should be treated as such. Sean also told Tara that even if I wasn’t around he still wouldn’t want her back. So touche for Sean, I’m so proud of him (this is a big step for him, he’s the quite one).
Well this has been going on since Easter weekend and I am still not talking to his mother nor do I intend too, not without an apology from her for her words, actions and accusations. However, she feels like she owed an apology because the email I sent to Tara was out of line and contained things that she and Tara talked about. However, the way Sean and I see it, is that his mother had no right entertaining any conversations with Tara, especially since they never talked during their 10 years of marriage.
Well during this past week I have made ammends with his sister. After all she really only played a small part in this and my parents said that she was very respectful to them. She was only reacting on the tained and distorted informaiton she was getting from her mother and ex-sister-in-law. She apologized for what had happened and I explianed how I felt about everything so we are good.
Here's the skinny on this situation. You have to understand that my actions (which I will tell you about in a minute) are a reaction from being sick and tired of particular people trash talking me. As you all know in my previous posts, I am dealing with my boyfriend’s crazy ex-wife. Mind you this woman has done alot and tore her family apart for this reason (see previous post). She thought the grass was greener on the otherside and has been in for a rude awakening ever since. You see the whole time Sean and I have been together she has done nothing but talk trash about me. Now, I'm the type of person that confronts an issue. If you say something about me, my family or my friends I will say something about it. If I have a problem that needs to be addreessed I take care of it. Well, due to the fact that she won't talk to me because I called her out on what she says, I decided to send her an email and set her straight on a lot things, including many items I've written about in my postings plus a whole lot more.
Well she decided to call Sean’s mom and go off on her about me and my sending that email. Sean’s mom got mad and called me pretty much telling me that I had no right to defend myself and I should have let it go. Then his mom start to scream about how she doesn’t like me because I am too straight forward and she finds that disrespectful. Well I let her say what she wanted without yelling at her. Actually out of respect that she is Sean’s mother I put her on speaker phone and walked away while she was yelling. When I heard her stop I asked her if she would let me talk and she started again so I walked away to get her son but she hung up by the time he got to the phone. She never once thought that I’ve been letting it go for the most part for almost two years and I had a right to defend myself. I plan on marrying this man someday and I wanted Tara (the ex-wife) to know that I’m not going to be pushed around, especially by a trashy person like her that really only got to where she is by…well you can use your imagination.
Well Sean’s mom then decided to send me an email since I didn’t listen to her on the phone and she said a lot things in it about me, which most of it is true but I am the way I am for a reason and that is I won’t let people walk all over me and no one will be able to walk all over Sean and maniupulate his kind heart. Now, here’s where the chaos starts. For some reason his mother and sister (yes now the sister is involved) called my parents. Mind you Sean’s sister only met me once so she had no business at all getting involved. His mother starts the conversation with my parent by saying “this isn’t about race”. Well, if it’s not about race why mention it? I mean did she think? For God’s sake I am 32 years old, I pay my own bills and I live about 2,000 miles from my parents? Did she expect them to call me and damand that I move (which is what his mother wants)? Did she expect my parents to tell me not to defend myself? Well thank God I have the parents I have and they challenged her acusations (where did she think I got it from?). Anyway, my mother is not the healthiest and I was pretty mad that she dragged my parents into this; however I still didn’t call her and tell her off because she is Sean’s mother. My mother asked that I just stay away from her. I asked my parents that if she calls again to to tell that they will be contacting their lawyer and sue her for harrassment. If his mother had ever taken the time to get to know me, she would have known that my family and I are very close and protective and the last thing she would ever be able to do was start trouble with me and my family. Unlike her, my parents are supportive in their children’s decisions. I left it alone and never did anything about it again out of respect for Sean.
Well after that I find out that Sean’s sister sent me an email and emailed it to his ex-wife acopy. It said that I wasn’t family and I needed to stay out of everything that is going on. What they don’t realize is everything that is going on is in our home not theirs and they should be the ones minding their business. That same day his mother sent him an email stating that he shouldn’t be with me because I am not white, he wouldn never be able to take me home to meet her mother and (get this) I would be a stone around his neck. I have an education, I work full time for the Federal Government (contract) and I attend a private university full-time. I’m the stone around his neck? Also, this hipocrit is married to a black man; talk about the pot calling the kettle black (no pun intended). So I am wondering at this point, is it still not about race?
I’m sure by now you wondering what Sean is doing. Well, Sean is now very mad. He feels that his family is taking his ex’s side so what does Sean do? He sends an email to both his mother and his sister and tells them to pretty much back off of me. That I had every right to defend myself and that they are not givng me credit for keeping my mouth shut as long as I did when it came to Tara (the ex) and her little pathetic antics of trying to get me out of the picture so she could get him back. He told them that Tara is NOT family and that she is nothing more than a co-parent and should be treated as such. Sean also told Tara that even if I wasn’t around he still wouldn’t want her back. So touche for Sean, I’m so proud of him (this is a big step for him, he’s the quite one).
Well this has been going on since Easter weekend and I am still not talking to his mother nor do I intend too, not without an apology from her for her words, actions and accusations. However, she feels like she owed an apology because the email I sent to Tara was out of line and contained things that she and Tara talked about. However, the way Sean and I see it, is that his mother had no right entertaining any conversations with Tara, especially since they never talked during their 10 years of marriage.
Well during this past week I have made ammends with his sister. After all she really only played a small part in this and my parents said that she was very respectful to them. She was only reacting on the tained and distorted informaiton she was getting from her mother and ex-sister-in-law. She apologized for what had happened and I explianed how I felt about everything so we are good.
Now my dilema is do I just stay away from his mother because she is a lying decieptful person or do I offer her the opportunity to apologize to me and let it go even though I think the worst of her and her motives? I mean here is where it stands. I don’t really care what she thinks about me but her son is caught in the middle.
posted by: OldSchool (reply)
post date: 05.08.08 (7:07 am)
Definitely caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place.
My initial thought would be just to separate yourself from the woman the best you can. The problem with that is if you want to maintain a longterm relationship with your boyfriend, that may not be a realistic option. You may have to swallow your pride for the sake of your relationship, but be sure to watch your back.
By the way, welcome to tblog!
posted by: PooPotPie (reply)
post date: 05.08.08 (7:15 am)
Reply to: OldSchool
Yes, Sean and I have talked about this and the long term effects it could have. He does want us to at least get on speaking terms but he understands that I am still upset and just not ready right now. I told him if she apologized at some point then I would consider it. It's more than pride, she attacked me for things I cannot change. You would think that since she married outside of her race that she would not perpetuate the cycle.
posted by: PirateGirl (reply)
post date: 05.08.08 (7:23 am)
oh wow!
Yeah sounds like it's about race - that, or she is at least playing that card in a really underhanded, and twisted game. - And who knows what lies the ex told her!
- Maybe sit down with Sean and talk with him about this - ask him what he would want you to do, requarding his mom, and then go from there.
- and more importantly - both you and Sean pray about it. Ask God to give you His wisdom and His words, and when and if you should approach Sean's mother.
I hope and pray things work out well
- PG
posted by: PirateGirl (reply)
post date: 05.08.08 (7:26 am)
Oh one more thing - some advice I got from my own Mother-in-law about my husbands ex - "Be wise as a serpent, and harmless as a dove" (I'm not sure of the actual verse, but it is in the Bible) - this advice has gotten me through alot
posted by: squirrelzone (reply)
post date: 05.08.08 (7:31 am)
What a tough situation you find yourself in. I think chosing your battles will utimately be better for you and Sean. Because utimately it's still his Mom and it could add unneeded stress to the relationship that you are building. As far as his ex goes all I can say is, "handle your business."
posted by: Hopey (reply)
post date: 05.08.08 (10:19 am)
I don't think you should make amends just yet. I think staying away from her is the best. She needs to see what medaling in her son's life will do to her relationship. In the end this is really about Sean and his mother, and control issues.
posted by: kgurl1166 (reply)
post date: 05.08.08 (5:32 pm)
I think you should stay away from her ... let her apologize for her actions.. calling your parents was uncalled for ... i think its petty... and she is one to use the race card.. u know my opinion of her..lol
posted by: PooPotPie (reply)
post date: 05.08.08 (6:06 pm)
Reply to: PirateGirl
Thanks for the advise. Sean and I have plans this weekend, it may be a good time to talk to him like you said.
As for praying about it, well, you are right and should. I wish I thought about that myself. Oh if you can tell me where I can find that bible verse I would appreciate it. I just started my walk about 1 year and a half ago and I'm not sure where to find things yet. Thanks again!
posted by: Jason (reply)
post date: 05.13.08 (5:53 pm)
Race is a topic that is touchy no matter how you look at it. From a biological stance, there is no such thing as a racially distinctive person. All Homo sapiens carry genetic markers that can be delimited to certain geographical areas, but the differences are not substantial and are therefore, from a scientific point of view, non existent. You can find the same DNA structures all over the world.
From a Social point of view, race is a socio-historical construct that is the creation of the natural power structure among people groups. Those in power tend, through the creation of laws, rules, social norms among the powerful, to create hegemonic ideologies that divide, segregate the masses into easy to identify subgroups. This is meant for the control of the social order. For instance, through the creation of anti-miscegenation laws (forbade interracial marriage) which were incidentally only overturned in 1969 in 21 states (Florida among them) by the Supreme Court of the United States in the case of "Loving v. Virginia".
Other means of controlling the masses using race were in hiring practices, voting laws, ownership rights, etc. These helped to "maintain" the social structure which benefited the wealthy, white, elites within that community. Poor, no matter which "racial" structure, were often pitted against each other at the economic detriment of either group. "If you don't work for 25% less, I'll hire the 'blacks' to replace you."
With that said, prejudice is something that cannot be nailed down. It is just that, the prejudging of a person/people. This often is not a logical judgment. A white person may be married to a black person, yet hate Hispanics, Asians, etc.
As for dealing with the "mother-in-law" issue, you may want to distance yourself from her. If she is prejudiced you won't be able to change her. She will have to reconcile her ideas with reality and see her error. On the other hand, she may never see reality and live in her own ideological bent for the rest of her life. In either case, it is not your responsibility to change her. Simply make things as peaceful as possible even if that means that she is, unfortunately, out of your life. It is your life with Sean that is most important. Eventually the mother hen must let the chicks out from under her wings.
posted by: Jason (reply)
post date: 05.17.08 (1:08 pm)
I have been pondering this question in my head for several days now. What relevance does the race issue have on the social structure that we are currently living? I didn't really want to bring politics into this, but it's everywhere on the news these days - the issue of race - so, here goes. I could care less about the content of the arguments or in sociological terms, manifest content. I am more interested in the latent content, the underlying meaning behind the issues. For instance, when you watch a commercial on television, you could sit there and take it in and look at it for the product being sold (pedaled) to you. Or, you can look at who it's geared to and what the implied meaning is behind it. For instance, there's a commercial funded by the U.S. Department of Public Health and it talks about the importance of getting tested for H.I.V. One may see it as simply a reminder to use safe-sex practices and to get tested. I see it as racial.
Author's Note: When referring to racial categories, I use them very loosely. Strictly speaking, what is white in the United States could be black in Peru or Cuba or wherever. Therefore, the terms black and white are arbitrary.
The main characters on this commercial are young, black men and are about to begin playing a game of football. Obviously this commercial is geared toward young black men. If you were to analyze the latent meaning, as we are doing, you would find that the problem of H.I.V. is largely among young black men. In reality, the statistics show that all statistical categories except among black women are demonstrating a marked decrease in cases of H.I.V. Still many would assume that this demonstrates that African-American men are the reason for this increase in H.I.V. cases among black women. This is also a racial argument and a logical fallacy. The number of inter-racial couples has continued to increase and to argue that African American women only date African American men is racist at its core.
It is good to realize the importance of History in this argument. Back to the issue of race and politics. Those who tend to favor Hillary Clinton (a white woman) over Barack Obama (a black man) is revealing. Basicaly, those white individuals who were born before desegregation or attended segregated schools (as my parents did) or even had only white friends, are far more likely to have a bias against a minority attempting to gain power.
Living in a country where race was the primary distinction and tool used in controlling the masses through manipulation and force, it only stands to reason that in such a small amount of time as 40 years the country would not change all that much in racial biases.
This may help to explain such strong racist views among older people. My parents, aunts, and uncles all demonstrate these views. They have learned not to around me though. :-)
I realize this has little to do with your issue, but it has been rattling around in my head for a few days and I wanted to get it down somewhere. I hope it helps.